It’s funny, I think I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve ordered my own drink at a cafe counter. As i stumble through doorways trying desperately to remember how to walk on two legs it seems strange to me that the stage of normality I would normally have felt so comfortable being on, is switched for a story I would have once been terrified of. It’s funny how strange can become your normal and the life you would have lived so comfortably, is now shrouded in shadow.
I wonder at the girl I might have been, I think about her life, her dreams, her reality. I can picture perfectly what would have become me, the car I would drive the way in which I would carry a body much less fragile than the one that befalls me now. And it’s this thought that has kept me company the past few weeks, creeping in salt streams across the pages of my journal, blurring the ink of right now. I’ve always been good at romanticising the what ifs, rose tinted glasses on my past. But in a way I’ve been redirected to place that view on my own life. Strangely this epiphany came in the most random (and only could happen to me) situations last week when I impulsively attempted to rescue a squirrel from the perils of my dog’s playful biting.
After setting the squirrel free back over into the dean (a tail lighter) and sheepishly walking into A&E to
check the bite marks left by my little visitor, I had time to think. Almost everyone I told and spoke to reminded me that grey squirrels are vermin, that there was no point in me risking anything to save an animal that is so prevalent and often seen purely as a pest. For most people this would have been a great inconvenience - and it wasn’t great having to take up NHS time after a stupid decision, but for me? This was my Disney princess moment!
And that’s the point, yes there is an arbitrary life I could have lived out there, and maybe I would have been happy. But I don’t think I ever could feel the kind of happiness I feel in the life I have now. Because every small minuscule blessing, is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. Living differently has taught me to love every little aspect of my time on this floating rock. And to know the value in everyone I share it with. The likelihood of existing is 1 in 400 quadrillion. And I get to be one of those tiny specs, I get to eat chocolate cake and watch sunsets, I get to rescue tiny bees and kiss my dog and hug the people I love. And one day, I get to fall in love.
Maybe I would have known all that, but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve ordered a drink at a cafe counter and I think that’s the best poetry I ever could have wrote.
PS: The squirrel with no tail has been spotted - he's still kicking!
Hello gentle friends, it's been awhile since I really felt connected to my little corner of the internet, so I decided to do a little spring cleaning, not before time!
I turned twenty two not two months ago now and something I wanted was to find a way to document this next chapter of my life. It's funny, I never really grew up right and with a pandemic sweeping us off our feet right as adolescence began its second chapter I know I'm not alone in feeling like a teenager again! So in honour of that I thought I'd share my list of things to aid in the romanticism of my twenties. One spoon at a time!
All my love,